It's Not You, It's Me

Hello there. Well, things were getting a bit awkward - I make a big deal about launching my blog this year and then suddenly disappear off the face of the planet for nearly three months. I promise it's not you, its me.

Not sure what you have been up to during this time, but I have been

...wading through deep loneliness in the early weeks of this pandemic

...grieving the loss of work that I never actually started

...dealing with a mini-mid-life crisis as I realise that my identity was grounded in people and purpose (and what then happens when both of those things were rudely stripped away without my consent)

...responding to said mini-mid-life-crisis by re-grounding my identity in Christ alone. No biggy.

...re-moulding my sense of 'self' in the midst of social isolation (sounds grim, but was actually wonderful!)

...discovering the pure joy of dance again after about a 20 year hiatus.

...learning to enjoy quiet weekends. I now think I love life this way

...singing like no one is listening (except for three little pairs of ears that continually ask me to stop)

......navigating distance learning with my son and a headstrong toddler who believes she is also in school and deserving of her own laptop

...and noticing my breath at moments in my day. Who would have thought that my body just keeps stubbornly doing this without my help!? This is both strange and miraculous.

I can honestly say that I am a more whole person for this time of lockdown. Thank you, pandemic. But not because of any crazy self-disciplined routines or earth-shattering resolutions that evolved me into a super human. No. I have become a more whole person because I embraced the loneliness, letdowns, grief, crises, isolation, heartaches, boredom, and quiet. And I admitted that I do not like any of these things AT ALL, but for some reason God served them up on a big silver platter for me at this time... so I figured I should at least be polite enough to taste and see, despite my strong aversion. And you know what I discovered - a gentle, contented joy can be found in the loneliness, letdowns, grief, crises, isolation, heartaches, boredom, and quite (after the initial detox period which was just awful). Huh, who would have thought?

"Behold, I am doing a new thing;

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?

I will make a way in the wilderness

and rivers in the desert."

Isaiah 43:19

I wonder what you have learnt during this time? No time is ever wasted and I am sure that God has been keen to work something in you, even without you knowing it (he's pretty good at covert operations). So why don't you take a moment to retrace your steps of the last three months and see if there are any clues for what might have been going on under the surface. Who knows what you might discover...

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* I would like to dedicate this post to my dear friend, Krysta, who was willing to nudge me to get back into my writing. The best of friends are those who won't shy away from giving you a good boot up the butt when they see you drifting. So thank you, my friend. I thank God for you!