Big Enough

I sat on the floor this morning with my two year old. Tears were being spilled everywhere, and she was sobbing and heaving with both her body and voice. On and on and on it went. She didn't want to be touched, but she yelled loudly for 'huggies'; she didn't want to be spoken to, but she howled if I was silent; she didn't want me with her, but she kicked and screamed if I left her side. The tantrum. The meltdown. The overwhelm that her little body didn't know what to do with.

As I sat with her and let her ride the emotional waves out, I realised that my greatest comfort for her was my presence. She could kick and scream and writhe and scratch and yell... but she was safe in my embrace. I was right beside her and her physical and emotional fireworks couldn't hurt me, and so I could remain steadfast through it all. And then my perspective shifted. It rose above us and I saw the gaze that the Father would have for us in our own times of overwhelm. Or meltdowns. Or tantrums.

As adults we are not really encouraged to let it all out with total abandon. It becomes awkward when we do, although I have certainly been known to - just ask my family! But I don't think this applies to our relationship with God. You see, with Him we are always in the position of a child, and so He receives us with the love and patience of a (patient) father. God wants us to bring him our emotions, and He is big enough to handle them. Often we can’t be truly free unless we express our emotions to God without reservation - He wants ALL of us, not just the neatly contained politeness of a Sunday morning. He invites us to bring to him our snotty tears, furious anger, and drowning hurt and pain. Just think about the image of the prodigal son, burdened with so much shame and scraps and poverty and pigsty stench. The father in this story that Jesus told did not turn away in disgust at his child's physical and emotional state; rather, he RAN TO HIM. God doesn't just welcome us in our messy emotional states, but He runs to us when He sees us approaching.

It is so freeing knowing that God isn't bothered by our big emotions and that He wants us to bring them to Him in all their fullness. We don't need to dull them down or tidy them up as He can handle the highest joy through to the deepest sadness. And wait for the upside-down truth of this - by bringing all of this to Him in our weakness actually demonstrates a strength of faith and trust by surrendering and allowing ourselves to be seen safely in our worst state. This paradoxical reality is summed up beautifully in this simple verse : "Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." (James 4:10).

To be human is to feel, and to be human is to feel life deeply in joy and in pain. It’s normal to weep when a friend loses a child; even Jesus wept over loss. It’s normal to fear when you don’t know what’s awaiting you each day. It’s normal to be angry when you see injustice in the world—or even right in front of you. This is why the Psalms are filled with so many different feelings, because to be human is to feel life deeply. And life in a broken world is incredibly hard. The psalmists are often responding to real life circumstances that we have historical record of in other Old Testament books. These poems are filled with intense emotion and desperate questions.

Psalm 55

Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught because of what my enemy is saying, because of the threats of the wicked; for they bring down suffering on me and assail me in their anger.

My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me. I said, “Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm.”...

No emotion comes as a surprise to God. We are created in God’s image, and we see throughout scripture that God feels all of these things. He feels sorrow. He feels anger. He feels jealousy. He feels joy. He is an emotional God but the difference between us and God is that God isn't governed or ruled by His emotions. God does not change; He doesn’t have incoherent mood swings. God’s feelings and actions toward us, His conviction and forgiveness, His love and grace, are all consistent with who He is. And with God being so constant and never-changing, it gives us the safety to run into His arms and hold all our thoughts and feelings before him.

Some of my favourite Biblical examples of desperate emotional encounters with God are:

Mary Magdalene washing Jesus' feet with her tears - Luke 7

Jacob wrestling with God - Genesis 33

Job crying out to God in His loss and grief - Job 30

Jesus himself coming before his Heavenly Father and crying tears of anguish, sweat like blood - Luke 22

...and all of the Psalms. Here we meet every human emotion in complete fullness.

On one of my darkest and most anguished nights, I physically cried out to God with anger and pain and questions and yearning and outrage and despair. I was enraged with God and I did not hold back my fury from Him. I cried, I screamed, I cursed, I sobbed, I begged, I shook, I yelled... all at God. Towards Him, at Him, before Him - the God of the freaking huge universe. And do you know what happened? I felt warmth wrap around me and fill my body. I felt firmness around my arms as though I was being held. And I heard Him speak to me in clear, tender words. "I am here. You are not alone. Call Rowan and Kirra." In my deepest emotion, God met me there. Just as the prodigal father ran to meet his son, God ran to meet me in all my snotty brokenness. He embraced my emotions and absorbed them without any judgement. And not only that, but he gently cared for me in that moment and held my hand so I could stand up again and take the next step. He met my anger with grace. He met my desperation with calm. He met my troubles with his ever-present help.

Psalm 55 then finishes with this :

As for me, I call to God, and the Lord saves me. Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice...

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Don't hold back, Mumma. Call out to Him. Cast your cares. Our God is big enough to take it.